Q/A with Mala Nagarajan

By - Mala Nagarajan, co-founder of Trikone Northwest, a Seattle based non-profit organization that provides a supportive and safe space for differently oriented South Asians.

What does it mean actually, this 'queer' thing?
The word ‘queer’ means different things to different people. Many older Asian Pacific Islanders, including South Asians, who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, don't like to use the word 'queer' - in part because it has been used as a slur to hurt our community and in part, because it has no cultural translation in many of our histories or native ethnic languages.

Many younger Asian Pacific Islanders, including South Asians who identify as gay, bisexual, or transgender, have reclaimed the word 'queer', that is, taken the word back and used it in a positive sense, so that difference can stand for a sense of pride instead of shame. To them, it is a word that represents a broad and dynamic spectrum of feelings and identities that simply means 'other'. In this case, 'other' than heterosexual (sexual orientation/identity), 'other' than only male or only female (gender presentation/identity), and 'other' than married in a heterosexual relationship (mixed identity relationships, polyamorous vs. monogamous).

Here are a few definitions that might be helpful…

From http://www.pbs.org/pov/pov2003/georgiegirl/resources_04.html: queer — Traditionally a pejorative term for non-heterosexuals, this has been re-appropriated by some lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people to describe themselves as, for example, dykes, fags, omnigenders and trannies. Some value these terms for their defiance and because they are more inclusive — not only of lesbians and gay men but also of bisexuals, transgender people and others. Nevertheless, these terms are not universally used within the varied LGBT communities; so a casual, "Hey there, queer," especially if used by a non-LGBT person, may not be returned with friendly banter.

From http://www.glaad.org/media/guide/transfocus.php & http://www.glaad.org/media/guide/glossary.php:
Queer Traditionally a pejorative term, queer has been appropriated by some LGBT people to describe themselves. Some value the term for its defiance and because it can be inclusive of the entire LGBT community. Nevertheless, it is not universally accepted even within the LGBT community and should be avoided unless quoting someone who self-identifies that way.

Why are we doing this, dedicating 1/2 of the festival for queer programs?
That’s a good question. It might help us to share some history about how we grow stronger together as a community, and to think about what kind of community we want to build. A good example of how our local community has grown stronger together is to look at how, as a community, what we know, think, and do about domestic violence has changed over the last decade.

A little over ten years ago, very few people in the South Asian community talked about domestic violence. Individuals hardly talked about it, and communities hardly talked about it. In fact, most of our community felt helpless in how to deal with domestic violence. They might feel bad for the individuals – for the mother, the wife, the child, and children – affected by the violence. But often they thought there is nothing they could do to help. They might feel like it was none of their business, because it was a private family matter.

Individuals who were surviving the daily torment of abuse had no place to turn to. Individuals who suffered from domestic violence in the past had no way of relating the violence that they experienced with the communities they lived in. Often, they lived and still do live in shame, thinking they did something to cause the violence.

All of this affects how individuals within the community relate to each other. Typically, it means there’s less openness, less trust, and less community good will – which in sum hurts ALL of us.

In the King County area, it was only when people braved to break the silence that survivors were able to access community resources to help them escape their daily suffering. It was only when people learned more about domestic violence and how it affected their own communities, that community members began to realize their part in the silence, and how they could break that silence and be of support to the families experiencing domestic violence. Slowly, the more and more people in our community were able to bring voice to their convictions - that a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a grandmother, a co-worker, a loved one – shouldn't have to endure violence against them, the more the community tolerance began to change. As the community stopped tolerating the violence, the more it became difficult for abusers to continue, unabatedly, abusing.

In the King County area, we have Chaya, Tasveer, and many countless individuals, families, and community leaders for that change in community attitudes and perceptions. We have those individuals, families, community leaders, and community organizations to thank for having the courage to stand up, as an ally to those who had could not voice their pain, to stand up as an ally and to educate, to outreach, and to support. And, no doubt, we, as a community, still have a long way to go, but the pain of endless silence has been broken. At least, we can all begin to take action and begin the healing process together.

Today, we thank our community organizations like Tasveer and Chaya for taking a risk, a HUGE risk, about breaking the silence about another issue that conflicts many in our community: What it feels like to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, and/or transgender, or what it feels like to be questioning these thoughts and feelings in ourselves – AND also be South Asian?

Yes, here in King County. Yes, in our community, in all our communities.

It's wrong. It's unnatural. No, no, these things don't really happen in our community. It's a western influence. It's those perverted individuals that are causing respectable individuals in our community to change. We need to put an end to this. We don't need to talk about this, because talking about it will just cause more trouble in the community, in our communities. Why do you want to destroy our community, communities? No one is interested in talking about this. We shouldn't be talking about this. This doesn't represent our community. It's an aberration to nature.

It's not like I haven't heard this before. I heard it from my own voice growing up. I remember how much I hated anyone who was even remotely rumored to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or gender non-conforming. What a bunch of child perverts! They should be in mental institutions. And at the same time, inside I longed to reach out to them and ask them why? How do you know? Are you sure? Can I even speak these things? Maybe I should be locked up in a mental institution. Do I even deserve to live?

From the time I was four, I knew there was something different, something I couldn't share with anyone. How did I know that? I didn't even know what sex was at that age. But I KNEW there was something wrong with me. Sometimes I tried to fit in. Sometimes I got depressed and suicidal. There are many of us that went through this - some who are still living, some who aren't.

And on a daily basis, we, who are struggling with these issues, are having to choose between the most important, most basic, most taken-for-granted values and our own survival; our relationships with friends, family; and how authentic we are within our own cultural, educational, work, religious, and ethnic communities and institutions. And trust me, it’s not a choice we would like to make. It’s a choice we’re being forced to make by the community at large - being forced to choose between our families and our ethnic communities, and our LGBTQ allied communities of support.

But we really don’t want to have to choose. We want to live fully and authentically, as we are. We are more than just our sexual orientation, our gender identities, and our same-sex relationships. We are more than just who we love and who we choose to sleep with. We are your daughters, your sons, your brothers, your sisters, your teachers, your students, your spouses, your aunts, your uncles, your volunteers, your friends, your community leaders, your co-workers; we want to have honest and meaningful relationships with you; we want to contribute in our society in a positive way – we want to be all of that, we want to be the best that WE can be. And drawing from a xxx quote, “All that we ask is that you let us.”

Here's my question to you. While you may not know me, there are many people who are LGBTQ or struggling with these dilemmas. You work with them, live with them, shop at the grocery store with them, stand in the gas line and ride the bus with them. You just don't know it. At some point in your life, someone close to you will come out to you.

You might wonder why they didn't trust you with that information, or why they didn't tell you earlier, or why they are telling you now. Or you might ask why they are the way they are, how they know for sure, why they want to hurt you so much.

To most of us, coming out as a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender person is not easy. And it doesn’t really get easier even if we’ve done it thousands of times. If they share it with you, it means they want to have a more genuine, honest, relationship with you.

If we didn’t share it with you the first time you met us, the second time you socialized with us, or the twentieth time we worked together, you may have to ask yourself, "What did I do? Did I simply help to perpetuate the silence, help foster the shame, or did I do something to help educate our community on how to be an ally, how to find resources in the community, and how to build a stronger community that challenges the cultural notions of what is 'right' and 'wrong' – one that doesn't stomp on rights and needs of our loved ones. You will have to ask yourself some very difficult questions – do I want to protect and support the people in my life that are meaningful, even if it means others might think I am gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender? Even if I might criticized and shamed in the community? Even if I am afraid?

Why is Tasveer devoting half of their ISAFF program about these issues? Because they have been witness to the silencing, the silenced, and the silencer. Because they believe in you. Because they believe in our willingness, as South Asian communities, to learn, respect, and honor our differences. Because they believe in our ability to change, our willingness to reflect on our attitudes and beliefs, our behaviors and actions, and our ability to move our communities towards positive social change.

And the leaders of Tasveer are asking you to be brave with them, to stand beside them, to go talk to your friends, neighbors, and community, and let them know that they are going to miss the BEST Tasveer event ever. They're asking you to talk with regular Tasveer festival-goers, and tell them that this is an important issue for the community to learn about, that festival-goers shouldn't be afraid, no more than they should be afraid of going to a Chaya or Tasveer event.

So, yes, be afraid. Many of us are. But accept the challenge. Ask the festival-goers you know what their concerns are, what they are truly afraid of if ½ of Tasveer’s ISAFF programming is ‘queer’. And if you have been afraid, then share that with them too. But ask them also to trust you, to join you in this journey of discovery, to learn with you – to learn ‘what we don’t know what we don’t know,’ and tell them you’d like to know they support you in figuring out what is so important about this ‘queer’ community. All this and more, and only if you want to. You don’t have to join us in this journey, if you don’t want to. You have every right in the world to step back and say, I can’t do this. That IS your choice.

I don't think the word 'queer' should be part of the ISAFF theme tag line...
Maybe it shouldn't. Imagine, this little five-letter word can has so much power to dissuade the masses from coming. Imagine how the people who where this label, who try to own this label, who try their best not to make a source of shame - imagine how they must feel to know this word affects you so negatively.

I have mixed feelings about it myself. I think know your audience. Will this only attract the choir – the people who are already comfortable with their own sexuality and sexual orientation, the allies who don't feel offended if someone were to think they were 'queer' anyway, the folks who are by our side on a daily basis? I do wonder. Maybe Tasveer should have made the tagline something more innocuous like "obliterated identities", or "living in doubt, fear, and pride" or then risk people coming who are violent towards people like me, who would rather I be dead and disappear, who would rather pretend I don't exist.

But maybe it should use the word ‘queer’. Maybe Tasveer, ISAFF, and you can help break the silence.

If someone would offer you 20,000 dollars of sponsorship money if you remove the word 'queer' from the tag line, wouldn't you do it?
Tasveer has never been about money. It's been about values, about community, about dialogue through an alternative to mainstream commercial films.

Does Tasveer identify as queer?
Though I am just one of many Tasveer community members, I would say Tasveer is about independent thinking and encouraging people to have a dialogue, to challenge what they always assumed as normal. And that Tasveer is exactly what it says it is: "We provide an alternative to the commercial films of South Asia. Many people only know about Bollywood but we explore the vast film expressions that come out of South Asia - experimental shorts films, political documentaries, narrative art films from the subcontinent, indy narratives by Diaspora, classic silent films, music videos, and more. Whether aspiring or a veteran, we support all independent filmmakers working with South Asian themes. By screening independent films, we engage the community in dialogue and action around sociopolitical and cultural themes that are specific to South Asia - Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Bhutan, India, Maldives, Nepal, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, and Tibet."

We need to publicize this event in such a way that we don't loose the audience we have acquired so far, many people won't come as soon as they see the word 'queer' in the tag line. We need to make it clear that only 50% of the programming is queer.
That is one way to do it. And it will reinforce what people already think about us 'queers'. Or you can make sure it is the BEST Tasveer event ever, and that the films screened have impact on a wider audience, that the films will move hearts and minds. It took my parents and I thirteen years to build an authentic relationship of trust, love, respect, and it is a relationship that is much stronger than it ever was before, and one that we have each mindfully, intentionally engaged in. Not one that is stressed and conflicted with obligation, resentment, and failure to meet each other’s expectations.

But, you're right. If Tasveer doesn't want to lose a portion of its mainstream audience, then each and every one of us needs to make sure we do our best to promote the events, the learning opportunities, and keep telling folks how great of a program it is, that you helped put it together, that you really want them to be there, and how much they're going to miss if they don’t come.

And if it's not something you, who have been advocates, through independent film, of many 'breaking the silence' efforts...if it's not something you can get behind and promote, then help me out…tell me, as a queer, a lesbian South Asian woman – tell me when, where, and how I can ever build a life worth living? Because to be honest, I can’t do it without you.